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WIll tomorrow be my VJ-Day over Cancer

January 5, 2017

Tomorrow I go into a CT Scan that will determine if there is any cancer left in y body. This has been a rough past year, iclud9ig three other years, where I was previously recovering from having cancer the second time.I was stunned to find I had to f9ight it again i 2016 and knew it would be a long battle with esophagus cancer, but I armed myself and walked back on the battlefield.

I vowed to work hard on fighting cancer, performing stand-up, and doing presentations for groups. Well,I taliked about beihng haunted by an emptiness after such a long battle, and waiting to be pardoned from the cncer regimentation. I couldn’t help feeling drained after such a log battle, and find myself with at leasdt 40 new minutes of comedy material, but professionally and financially starig fro scratch again because of cancer not because of anything I did (But self-pity is a luxury of the healthy and the perpetually miserable). I have tried to avoid survivors who define themselves by cancer, because they see themselves as victims–and they are tarbaby people who want to draw yout into licking their wounds so they can keep the open and feel sorry for themselves. I have a hard view of them. They are worse than the disease because its ot there, and they cling to it.

WHat filled my emptiness back into the Fred fuel tank? Well, I was watching Bill Bob Thorton in Goliath, and I thought of his taent and dedication ad admired his ability to convey the character and emotionally me. And that’s what I always wanted to do with y writig and life. I believed in inspiration, just like I believed every wave I caught altered me into a higher plane through sacrifice to the stoke. And slowly that spirit leaked back into me, filled me with–well, okay Fred, you’ve struggled, so do others if they really BELIEVE while others just lower their gun and walk quietly and resigned in a perpetual twilight; whereas, I run backwards to the dream, spinnig the Eart below my feet to greet the screaming reality of a sober dawn.

SO I slowly emerge to prove a life is well worth living. But I have to wait, liike I’m sitting in a jail cell waiting for the repreive fro cancer on tomorrow’s CT scan. But in the meantime, perform through this, and see what new Fred is hatched through cancer’s hardened cell of nothingness.

 

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