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Fighting away death’s temptation

September 6, 2016

I was in the hospital, six tubes sticking out of my body, which was reeling from the anesthetics and drugs. There was black-and-white diamond art-deco pattern swirling around me, stabbing me through closed eyelids. Hell’s kaleidoscope and I was dead center, squirming in the bed, unable to move too far because I was restricted by the tubes. This was accompanied by marching forties-style black sharps heads wearing yellow brimmed hats, along with ww2 soldiers, and harsh looking matrons. I begged them to help me, but they were harsh, intent on demeaning me and ignoring my suffering.

 

Where am I? What is doing this? Where the hell are my better angels, driving for Uber?

 

And then there were these figures shouting accusations at me, criticizing every decision I ever made that shaped me,. This was accompanied by the a long list of interrogation questions in green lettering on a screen, and a cursor that slide across erasing it. It was deleting everything I ever did in a long list the same way you casually delete emails,

 

I’m going, “Why is this trying to break me down?” What is this? Eastern religion is big o the fact that you have to leave the life you have made on Earth behind to elevate yourself to a higher spiritual plane–a theory Thorton Wilder pitched in his incredibly powerful play “Our Town_ (Movie worked a happier ending but is still very good.).

 

But I think it was something else…

 

I think it was death testing me, trying to take advantage of me playing the heavy in by body’s horror show. Death was seeing if I would let go of myself.

 

I curled in a tight ball, clinging to myself through the tubes and pain, and watch the cursor erase and erase, but I didn’t give it any more meaning than leaving the TV on.

The soldiers, black faced men in hats, art-deco shards, showered and angled into me. But I let it all pass through me.

 

After several hours, they left.

 

I was left to stumble on my lunar landscape for flowers

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