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Inspiration…maybe

July 1, 2016
There are people who have said to me, “You don’t realize it Fred, but you’re an inspiration to people.”
 
I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m in a situation where I do have a choice but no choice: get the treatment and live, or don’t get the treatment and die. Get the surgery and live or get the surgery and die during it, or die if I don’t get it. These aren’t exactly playing cards.
 
I think the real inspiration is the kindness and support of others, and all the caregivers. Me, I’m just digging deeper into myself, my human foxhole. I figure the performing is a strength for me (And what choice do I have there, how many people want to hire a three-time cancer survivor. I can honestly say a few hospitals I approached for a job to help people with cancer turned me down.) All I had was my comedy, writing, and my life. Like I’ve said, downsize the world and outsource yourself.
 
I’ve been ground down so hard, but there’s this buoyancy that still exists in me—0even if a joke bombs, or when I’m tired, or paddling harder to get in shape for surgery by punching through a wave.
Yesterday I was struggling to be in the right position to get a wave. It was crowded, but there were quite a few scramblers—people I’ve seen who are wave catchers and know how to play the crowd, but can’t surf at all. I have found they’re the ones who usually fade the most, because they don’t have the stoke, and after they’re done pursue some other activity (After taking numerous pictures of themselves first, to prove to others they are surfers.).
 
When they catch waves I actually look away. Their existence disturbs me, takes me away from healing, They are life’s takers wherever they go.
But somehow the takers were in better positions then me. I didn’t care. I endure it, just paddling harder to build up strength. All I have is to dig into myself, concentrate on material, and read the books that I admire.
 
Just like being in between waves, dealing with the crowd but not using them to find the wave, mainly to use their movements to avoid being taken out by them—let them fight each other, watch each other, maneuver around each other, because they need each other to exist. It’s like they’re one giant cell.
 
Don’t let the crowd take you away from the peak. I kept looking for a peak that slipped through, eventually I found one and took the wave to shore on a pretty decent and surprising noseride.
 
There are so many unknowns, how can I be an inspiration to that?
I try to stay close to the peak that moves me, you don’t have to climb Everest to get the best view of the world.
 
It’s not what’s below us—it’s what’s around us.

 

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