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Here’s my Hope…

March 15, 2016

Okay, I can’t eat or drink anything past midnight and it’s 11:58. I finished my last slug of chardonnay and ate some butter popcorn. And tomorrow, I go through a CT Scan that will determine whether cancer has left my esophagus and gone into my chest. And years ago, when I was diagnosed for the second not the THIRD time, I laid in the scan and wondered how far it was advanced. And the tears came like sweat, and somehow after all the chemo and suffering I made it through that vicious and indifferent car wash op  scans, blood and needles. And now, before I go to bed, here I am,knowing I’m going to be lying on that slab tomorrow, wondering if cancer has gone through my chest wall and made me one of those people that is in cancer;s concentration camp without borders.

But a weird hope sprang, and I’m not going to say it’s right.

I was at Bruce Springtseen’s show and he played Thunder road, and there was this unrequested tingle that throbbed throughout my body, whether it was my parents visiting me or another force, but there’s was a spirit, and it said to me,. “You’re going to make it>”

And I had to be quiet and knock wood, because I never want to be cocky when it comes to cancer. But I FELT it. The vibe came to me. I didn’t create that throb. And all I can do is hope that it meant something tomorrow. You can;t be optimistic, because it hurts too much to lose. Many a bright light has gone dark on cancer’s bad breath. But I don’t feel it.

We’ll see tomorrow.

It’s bad luck to say it;s rteal. so I bow and ready to stay humble.

I can only hope it works–either way it’s a world with pain, but I can handle it without bitterness or anger, because lifer is worth it! I can only hope so, only hope so, only hope so…

I hoping, but ready to take down anything that tells me otherwise.

So know I say good night, but wish to wake up for other days,

I don’t fear death, I only feel me.

Let’s hope I’m right,

Good night all, but I want to wake up and greet every day!

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