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The AT&T Golf Tournament where the top 1/10 of the 1% play before the rest of us

February 8, 2014

ATT_FR

Yes, covering the AT&T golf tournament for some local radio stations. It was touching to be in Pacific Grove, the place where old Lamborghinis and Ferraris go to lay their eggs and die. Fortunately with all the rain, the creeks filled up so they could migrate up The Grand Concourse to the sea! And to look along the coastline and see the Rolexes mating in the shorebreak, and the Bentleys, BMWs, Teslas grazing  in the highlands and the cypresses. Golf is the only time conservatives believe in entitlement programs so they can use their handicap to be on  a level playing field with the pros. Whatever happened to their believe that the best should only be the ones to play–oh, wait, they only believe that when they don’t create a level playing field in the stock market.

The weather has been terrible. They suspended play on Friday. .  The only time Republicans don’t believe in the trickle down theory is when it rains at Pebble Beach and ruins the AT&T golf tournament. And their stand on immigration: illegal immigrants can stay in this country as long as they maintain the greens. The only way Republicans think the movie “A Day WIthout A Mexican” is about a guy who won’t allow housekeeping into his hotel room. Bada-Bing Crosby.Ah, Richard Ferris, one of the owners of Pebble Beach, who is playing in the tourney, described himself as “Not an owner but a steward” of the course that is always available to the public. Wow! $495 green fees, $75 for a caddy. $35 for a cart. I’m tearing in gratitude. Chair Whisperer Clint Eastwood and Peter  ÜBER-ALLESroth, along with a partnership of other rich guys, own the course. One of the first thing they did was take away the employees privileges to play the course.

In The Lodge, bimbo predators are looking for rich boyfriends and husbands. It’s stocked stream. Among the younger babes are competing Courgarsaures, showing as much cleavage and legs and using the glar of their jewelry like laser pointers so their prey can’t see wrinkles or cellulite. These women don’t even know anything about golf. WHen you talking about pairings on the tee, they think you’re talking about Pinot Noir and salmon.

And don’t let the friendly and fun-loving atmosphere at the AT&T golf tournament fool you. It’s competitive, dog-eat-dog, and brutal–and that’s just at the buffet table in the media tent. I learned to go to the end of the line and try to score as many Macadamia-nut cookies as I can. The difference between the media guys who get paid the most and the ones who do blogs or podcasts is this: the ones with a steady paycheck don’t try to stuff several extra sandwiches and cookies in their computer sacks to eat for the rest of the week!  I found out most of the local TV media doesn’t use Botox, their staff is usually about 12-years old, and willing to work for nothing, so they can break into a field where they can be laid off before they’re qualified for full-time jobs with benefits. Years ago, the food was much better. And they even had a golf writers dinner–but nearly all the members, established golf writers, were laid off by their newspapers and replaced with no one. Ah, the future! It’s called the present!

Didn’t get a chance at the AT&T to see the Chair Whisperer Clint Eastwood. I guess he was giving a press conference to the furniture in his living room. Have you noticed in Eastwood’s movies, his early ones trash the press, but then after he married a TV reporter, his films were nicer, and he even played a new reporter in a film. I believe he’s separated from his wife, so watch out for the next media trashing flick. And oddly, unless it’s him, there’s never a strong father figure in his movies, but lots of strong women, always wondered if he was conflicted about his Dad, because Eastwood clearly loves his mom.

 It’s raining so bad at the AT&T Pebble, they’re not using putter–they using squeegees. That’s not a downswing–that’s a backstroke. surfer Kelly Slater has an edge because he can play in a wetsuit.Surfer Kelly Slater is playing at the AT&T in sneakers. He has a shaved head so his swing experiences less win resistance.
I asked Slater what the difference was between surfing pipeline and golf. He had a blank look and said, “They’re two different things.”
I said, “I know that. That’s why I asked.”
Maybe I should have asked him to do a Jeff Specoli from “Fast Times At Ridgemont High”, take his sneakers off his feet, pound one of them on his skull and say in a stoner voice, “That’s my head!”

I predict Jeb Bush will take a page from his brother’s book, and have the Supreme Court declare him the winner of the AT&T golf tournament. Jeb is pulling the ball left instead of right on the golf course because he’s trying to convince Americans he’s a moderate.

It was great to watch the CFOs who drained our 401k plans become terrified and then miss three-foot putts. Oh, the head of Comcast hit his shot in the water. Well, fine, finally you’re a victim of you own customer service.

It was touching to be in Pacific Grove, the place where old Lamborghinis and Ferraris go to lay their eggs and die. Fortunately with all the rain, the creeks filled up so they could migrate up The Grand Concourse to the sea!

Condi Rice take her 9-iron and turn it into a mushroom cloud. I was wondering if the Chevron oil tanker named after her was in the Bay. They let her hit from the women’s tees–the only time Republicans believe in the quota system.

At AT&T golf tournament:

  • All the golfers are are their best behavior and walk along the ropes and talk to the spectators, celebs sign autographs, athletes footballs and baseballs, and CFO and Mutual FUnd Managers give one dollar out of twenty back to the people whose 401k they looted.
  • Condi Rice take her 9-iron and turn it into a mushroom cloud. I was wondering if the Chevron oil tanker named after her was in the Bay. They let her play from the women’s tees–gez, I thought Republicans didn’t believe in quota systems.Hey, I’m wondering, since I lost both my testicles to cancer can I hit from the women’s tees now?
  • Kid Rock hits shots so badly his caddy needs to use Mapquest. Kid Rock wrote a song Early Morning Stone Pimp, after the tourney he’ll be a changed man and write Early Morning Tee Time. A future lyric, I gotta bounce in my plaid pants and striped shirts, fairways and greens is how I roll bitches.
  • Phil Mickleson puts on a golf clinic, Chris Berman’s swing puts out a rehab clinic.
  • On some days, the only rounds that were finished were Bloody Marys in The Lodge.
  • Surfer Kelly Slater is playing at the AT&T in sneakers. He has a shaved head so his swing experiences less win resistance.
  • John Madden was at the course one day, drawing Xs and Os and circles and arrowings around the players and the course.
  • Donald Trump wasn’t at Pebble this year. But his hairpiece escaped and has been strangling sea otters in the kelp. Death by comb over.
  • One pharmaceutical CEO came up with an idea: shaping Valium pills in the form of Jim Nantz’s head–Nantz was  Romney’s stunt double in the film “Mitt.”

Wasn’t kidding about liberating Macadamia cookies

from the Media buffet at Pebble’s AT&T.

My cookie bonus this morning.

ATT_COokiie

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