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Post-cancer and trying to handle getting yelled at by the boss

August 1, 2013

There are some things that are unforgivable and inexcusable and unprofessional, and one of those things is when a person in a supervisory position yells at you in front of your co-workers. It was a humiliating experience. Right now, between searching for a real job and overcoming testicular cancer, I have to take a variety of jobs that are beneath my abilities to pay the rent. I don’t mind this. But when someone demeans me–that sticks. I can’t forgive it. And all I can do is take the hit, get anything else and quit. It was like being spit on…

“Fred you have to–”

“But I was–”

The woman raised her voice to a screech and her eyes bulged, “I’m talking here.”

It was that point something snapped inside me. I’m so done, I thought. I looked away as she spoke. I was furious. What I wanted to say, “Then you’re talking to the wall, not me.” And then scream at her, “When someone yells, it reduces the other person to a victim and I am not a victim. Just because I don’t have any balls doesn’t mean I’m not a man.” I mean, this isn’t the army. And none of this showed any appreciation for all the extra work I’ve done for this place. And I’m a grown man and an accomplished professional.

I didn’t.

We needed the money. I had to take the hit. Instead I took it while two coworkers looked down and listened–one enjoyed it, the other was clearly disgusted and felt for me. Instead of stomping away, I finished my job, then while she was in another world–er room, complaining about how difficult her job was, and her frustrations were, and one particular brown noser is agreeing with her, I simply asked, “Do you need me for anything else?” She looked at me with regret in her eyes, and said, “No.” But hell, we’re not married, this isn’t a relationship! But because I went through cancer there was a greater rage against myself, but now the only solution was to simply endure but look for and find another job as soon as possible. Then leave. There was also an anger in me that I had to contain and understand, and I thought, I have to deal with these feelings, which are the consequence of her actions, but she has to deal with the consequences of her deed–I wouldn’t do that to anyone, so this had to settle out of me. And tomorrow I’ll just go into work, and hope another job turns up, but if I get fired? Well, I’ll be grateful. I’ll find something.

I can live with no conequence. What’s funny is the next day, I’m off and surfing and when I’m home, I get angry when anyone asks me to do anything. I want to get through one day not being told or asked to do anything for anybody.

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