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“Gourmet” and “pizza” don’t belong next together as a couple or in the same sentence.

April 27, 2013

Option, see my YouTube video on pizza:

“Gourmet pizza”. Come on! Since when? It’s a cover to conceal the chef can’t make a pizza in the first place, They put a variety of vegetables, usually pretty ones that are small and multi-colored, as well as a variety cheeses (goat and feta cheese especially–oh don’t forget to put chunks of yellowed heirloom tomatoes in there too.) then somehow like a crumpled doorstop of crumpled dough underneath it. Oh wait, I forgot about arugula which is spinach in drag. So I’m faced with something that looks like an open-faced dishcloth that wiped a casserole dish the waitress dropped on the kitchen floor. At best these aren’t pizzas, they are dough omelets or casseroles that went splat! Or a nacho that went to graduate school. The big thing they like to do is serve the pie on a suspended platform placed in the center of the table. Sometimes they call it a marguerita pizza too (Huh? That’s a triscuit with mushrooms).

Then there’s “Wood-fired Pizza.” And I get the same California Pizza cooked in a campfire sauna. Wow, pizza cooked in metal box. The same type of pie: too much cheese, not enough tomato sauce, and served on pointed slice that don’t sage and draw blood  from the back of my throat. It’s a giant melted cheese sandwich that flopped open and hemorrhaged.

Then there’s “Take-Home pizza,” which basically means–hey, it’s only $8 bucks with a free topping, and if you want to buy a a wood-fired pizza, or a gourmet pizza, you’d have to spend between $22-25 for a pie made by someone getting $12 an hour. And besides, it’s Friday you didn’t feel like cooking tonight anyway. You pick it up at a place where the average age is 16, and there’s no sign of adult anywhere, until they clear out the cash from the register, pay the staff minimum wage, and leave with the profits so they can afford to have a wood-fired gourmet pizza with a Chianti Classico reserva.

Then there’s “New York style pizza made by people who aren’t from New York, and get their dough and bread and sauce and cheese from a local market. They usually say it tastes different because it’s “wood-fired in a brick oven.”

And to qualify this further, “Chicago-style pizza” is nothing but a sucking open chest wound of cheese and tomato sauce, boarded by ridiculous and flavorless cornbread-thick crust.

Here’s what a pizza, or as we say in New Jersey, “pie,” is supposed to look like.

1.) First the cheese and the tomato aren’t separate. They can’t be separated from each other, or scraped from the crust. Everything is integrated and lubricated by deadly deeply heated puddles of orange grease. You know when you peel back a scab, and look at your raw slightly blood-soaked flesh, that’s the way  tomato and cheese should look like.

2.) And the dough of the slices must sack, the shouldn’t be like starched sharp collars. It should be folded, so you can tilt it and watch the oil and grease flow from it onto your paper plate.

3.) The bottom of the pizza must have cornmeal. If you eat a slice and your fingers aren’t blackened with the bitter soot you haven’t held a slice of pizza.

I’ve never found a pizza close to the east coast, the only drawback is if I want one, I have to be in the east coast.

So I’ll stick with sushi and the Pacific.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Sally rules permalink
    April 27, 2013 1:43 am

    U know where the best pizza comes from. And it ain’t Jersey.

    • April 27, 2013 1:48 am

      This is true. Sally’s in New Haven, CT is truly regal and epic. And if you really cared for me, you’d send me one.

  2. April 29, 2013 2:16 am

    If you deign to come to L.A., I’m taking you here: Close as I’ve found to a real pie, walking distance, and the kitchen is open until 1:00 on the weekends.

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