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Cooking with new ingredients

April 20, 2013

I haven’t gone down to the beach and laid down on the sand for months. Slowly, the grappling hook of nerve damage from neuropathy has lessened. Coming out of cancer and chemo. It’s been over a year. And it’s like being caught in a transformer beam and your life is being reassembled but you’re not completely filled out yet. So I turned to where the world healed me: ocean, sun, sand, waves. I stretched out on the sand. The area was normally a gully between two rocks but had filled with sand from the spring swells. It was warm. I settled in. I have to let this world come into me again.

There weren’t any waves. It was low tide. No clouds. The sun bearing down. I’ve been busy writing my cancer book, trying to promote it, and working part-time at wineries, and applying for jobs online. But today, I was taking a day off from myself. I was taking a book down to the beach, and trying to get a new coat of skin from the sun. I closed my eyes. All I saw was pink backlit from the sun and listened to the waves, kids squealing with abandoned joy. and even though I was lying down, I felt I was standing up, being pushed through the sounds of waves and the warmth and closer to the heat of me by a curved plow of sand pushing me through the smell of algae and salt and effervescent hissing spray of waves. It’s reassembling me the same why I first fell in love with the beach as a kid. Getting tan again, maybe my hair will get blonde again, and my ocean muscles will grow, and my eyes will be bluer, just like when I was a kid returning from the Jersey shore, and how eagerly I looked at myself in the mirror when I got home, to see my tan, and blonde hair, and the glow that emanated from my eyes. Yes, how being at the beach was enough, a thriving day. And I heat widened by smile. Oh, this spell of life we can cast! To be able to do this again and wipe away the tears. It was all co0king up my missing ingredients again, a desire for whatever comes next.

I didn’t have a surfboard. I didn’t want to paddle out. I wanted to get back in touch with the beach again. I had rashes on my legs. So I got up and went to the ocean. I walked up to my knees to soak myself in the regenerative power of salt water, my additive. This will help heal with some heat on a filleted me on a bed of sand. I laid back in the sand, letting the heat burn off whatever was on me.

I left slightly singed along my periphery, slightly lighter. Next week the surfboard, but today the beach.

Returning…

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