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Baptized in The Big C; Excerpt from work-in-progress, “Today Cancer, Tomorrow The World.”

September 18, 2012

After finding yourself possibly free fro the Big C…

When you are fighting cancer you simultaneously live in a world where gently swaying filaments of sensitivity extend out from every pore and hair follicle of your body. You pick up every aroma, slight, spice, daydream, drum beat, and freshness. You are a walking palette that tastes beyond sweet and sour. You see deeper in darkened rooms. You feel more warmth from the sun. You’re fascinated while others are bored. The denial people who have haunted lives don’t have filaments—they have tentacles to catch prey, so every new sensation is paralyzed by their bitterness, Then as you heal, these highly reactive filaments slowly retract within you, and form a harden ball of resistance. You feel a distance. You’ve pulled away, but you’re coiled into a smile and knowing squint. Those filaments didn’t desert you, they were there when you needed their energy to stay alive. Now, everything is reversed. Instead of fighting to remain alive, you have to live in the world around you. Every color, breeze, and breath, drifts its filaments towards you, and you have to leave yourself to feel them, you have to give of yourself, and you don’t mind, because you don’t want to hang onto anything inside you, you just want to reach out to others. These filaments embrace you with a staggering warmth. These filaments wrap you into a quiet cocoon of humble rapture. The unblessed one learn nothing from their suffering. They leave the hospital with tentacles of resentment popping out of their every pore. They sense no filaments extending from everything around them, only quills of resentment. But those who endowed with the mixed blessing of being baptized in The Big C live in the world of tasty filaments swaying enter through every pores and follicle and emerge through the surface tasting every valuable second.

When I was a kid, I pricked my finger to look at my blood in a microscope, and I expected just to see a deep red, instead all these coursing of movement and particles, and that’s how I feel now, every day courses through me, every particle, nothing is solid and defined anymore and I can shape the day but I have to be outside—outside yourself.

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