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In a world of Cancer the Earth is Flat

June 20, 2012

When I was a kid I had an HO-racing car layout in the basement. I designed the track around paper mache mountains I built on a piece of plywood and placed it atop the ping pong table in the basement. My buddies would come over and we’d drink cokes and eat potato chips and race cars. It was a tricky course with straightaways ending in tight turns, so if you went to fast, your car would fly off the table onto the concrete basement floor. I remember being by myself and racing a an Aurora slot car around the track, enjoying the scenic drive through my miniature world, and dreaming of the day I would be in a real car and tooling along in the real world. I hadn’t thought about the years of driving recklessly in a make-believe world.

After being tentatively released from the remote-control effects, I drive into all I have: scattered moments. I’d open my eyes and marvel how I was just in my car and driving to the beach with a surfboard on my car through the Santa Cruz mountains. I bop behind the wheel listening to “Bittersweet” by Big Head Todd and The Monster. “She dances and I dream…” My head nodding. My heart pulsating to the yearning off the song because I have a yearning to keep on living. And I absorb the energy of the song. It powers my drive. “It’s a bittersweet more sweet than bitter…It’s a bittersweet surrender.” My proud tears form. They roll. I don’t see them as tears. It’s my soul sweating as I strain and cling and hold to the upbeat and downbeats of my life.  I sing fragments of the tune that move me but have nothing to do with the meaning of the song but are creating more to the meaning of this moment form my screaming with joy self: “I’m older now…but it’s different than my dream…we work our way around each other…as we tremble and we, as we tremble…it’s a bittersweet surrender.” I wasn’t grasping a remote control and my steering ability wasn’t restricted by positioning my car ‘s guide pin into slot. I was still in a make-believe world that was still on that piece of plywood. In the world of the Big C, the earth is flat, and you have to be prepared not to fall of its edge. I have to stay humble, not get too cocky, and try to stay on this road otherwise I will fly off. So I’m still in a holding pattern until I get the starting flag of clearance from my tests next week. I try not to get to excited. You don’t want to go too fast on hope, you can outdistance yourself on the tight turns.A bittersweet surrender…I surrender to nothing. Death might be inevitable, but it’s no necessary.

The earth might be flat, but so far the make-believe scenery is fantastic. And it’s making me believe every day…

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