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Money without a heart and a heart without money

May 14, 2012

Sometimes we’re the space between our pulse or phone calls or books or today and tomorrow. There’s a silencer pointing at us. Reduced to being held hostage by your own body. Then there are times when the pulse resounds and you’re awakened by being slapped with a rainbow.

That elusive spark that leaves us and crumbles the body into a death mask. It’s always within us, but sometimes the world prevents us from finding the switch because we get sidetracked by savings and checking accounts and taking out the garbage and cracked fillings and tax returns and dealing with dysfunctional people and relatives or just trying to reach behind your back to find the switch that turns on your own power pack.

I ran into a guy who discovered he had a heart problem and then started saying, “They’re giving me an early retirement buyout, and then next year my pension will kick in, and I have a CD that I can get to when I’m 59. And…” He went on and on. He sat on a mushroom of security his whole life and produced nothing but fungus. And after all that, he was trying to find security in his funds to ward off the fear of his health issues. I chased and continue to pursue any goal to stay out of the mushroom shadow, and I can’t get a buyout, or a pension, or have a CD. And I still have to deal with cancer, an possible upcoming and complicated operation, and being on testosterone shots for the rest of my life. He was cashing out. And I was heading into the woods to howl and imaginary moons. He was trying to draw strength from the outside, while all I had was the spark of a guy who kept writing, performing, and maintaining friendships. He was secure and weaker. Every day he’ll wake up afraid of his heart. And me? After enduring through chemo and still possibly dealing with cancer my heart is what I have going for me.

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