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Getting beter but it doesn’t mean a way of life hasn’t died

May 1, 2012

My taste buds are returning, almost like the way your vision returns after a flash bulb (of course my flashbulb was a mega-dose of chemo therapy for four months). And my whiskers are starting to itch on my face. I’ve been trying to get stronger to face a major operation this May, figuring that my best chance at a recovery is a healthier body. Even when I was getting chemo, the people coming in were amazingly out-of-shape to begin with. They had bodies that just said, “I get home from work, too tired to do anything but have a drink, and then sit on my butt and watch TV for the rest of the night.” These people sadly don’t take chemo well, they lay in their chairs as if they’ve been punched (and it is a strong hit). But either way being unhealthy or not there’s no defense against the Big C. Everyone tries to isolate the point in their lives where they contracted it. There’s this need to rationalize the horror. But you can’t, anymore than you can anticipate the joys of life ahead.

I went down to the surf and wanted to go out. But it was so packed with people there was no point. I couldn’t go out there and heal myself without the fear of being hurt by some of these clueless idiots. Before there used to be surfers, but now there are just people out there with surfboards. I turned away, surprised at the sudden depression that weighed upon me. I saw some clueless girl, smiling and carrying a longboard atop her head, and I wanted to snarl at her, “Get the fuck out of here.” But I knew it was wrong. I just left, surprised at my anger. Maybe it’s because I was too  close to losing my own life, and resented being reminded that a way of life that has meant so much to me has died while I’m still alive. So I went to the driving range and tried to strengthen myself another way.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. mhgaither permalink
    May 1, 2012 4:19 pm

    Hey Fred – Hope you wacked the sh** out of those golfballs…and helped yourself get healthier in the process.

    BTW, this is a great, great line: “Before there used to be surfers, but now there are just people out there with surfboards.”

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