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Staying sick is a drug to some.

April 1, 2012

When I had the mumps I was around eight years old. I remember lying in the bed and being catered to, my mother checking on me, and everything relied on how I felt that day. When I started to get better, I didn’t to lose all the attention; after all, I wasn’t going to school, and outside of having to get up to go to the bathroom and missing out on TV. I wanted to prolong the drug of being healed. When people feel sorry for you it’s a great high, I think that’s why losers like drama so much and lean towards self-pity to trap people. I hate dramas and losers live for them.But with losers, they can only crete a drama if you step on the stage with them. I think if people didn’t get into argument over money no one would even deal with losers, they’d just be loud mouths everyone ignores. Loser cling to that attention, and they are usually one screaming yawn of it’s-all-about-me. Yesterday, I woke up at eight, felt my usual chill, soaked, returned to bed and slept for another four hours! It was unusual, but I felt a tidal shift inside me. My last chemo was a week ago, and I keep saying every day, “Let me go, let me go.” But The heaviness still hits me, I get tired, and the tin-foil taste is still in my food. But by gas and ingestion isn’t remaining in the middle of my chest, it’s drifting to my pelvic area.CHemo is slightly losing its grip, but I don;t think my body will truly sense its going away until Wed, which is when I would normally have to return to the Stanford Cancer Center infusion for another dose of chemo. I’m certain my body has been grooved to anticipate the drip-drive onslaught, but to find that one day I’m not going, the body might go–hey, I didn’t get hit in the stomach with a lead pipe today, maybe I will feel happy. And I hope taste will start returning. I would love a double-cheeseburger, fries…grease, onions, heat of meat, rare. Feeding myself and getting stronger–there’s a nice turn on the road.

So the kid would had the mumps and loved all the attention doesn’t have the desire to prolong the catering to chemo. Some people prefer sick because they’re always to center of attention, and this is a drug. I know one person who said they “love hospitals because people bring everything to them.” But this person was nowhere to be found when I was ill. Those who are nurtured don’t nurture.

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