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How the First Day of Summer and No School is Stronger than The Big C

February 23, 2012

There are awakening calls. The first sap dripping off a pruned branch, The sound of birds you haven’t heard signaling Winter’s end. The sound of bat to ball. When an authors words hit you. WHen worlds open. WHen a girl likes you just for being you (Women can reverse this, unless they’re into women’s studies and folk music at UCSC Santa Cruz.) The drumbeat that gets you  out on the dance floor. When you paddle for a wave than feel a force beside your own and you jump and turn into it-WHoooooooooooooooah! The moment you struggle and find your style in spite of the practical demands of the world and the disappointments of your struggle to succeed. Knowing there is something inside you that’s unqiue. They say there;s nothing new under the sun, but there’s a shitload happening above the sun. And you’re gliding in its current. But it’s a call to a rising. And the best one for me was the first day of summer without school. I’d be lying in my bed early in the morning, knowing I didn’t have to get dressed to catch the bus. A ligh sheet covering me because it was warm. I’d look out my open window and see green and sun through the white lace curtains which the breeze had sucked against the screen, as if the day was trying to inhale me into its spell.

This morning for the first time I felt that spark within my body, a rising call that brought these images to me. Healthy signs. Signals that I was getting stronger. Words like systolic and diastolic meant nothing in this world. I rose. A spark. No longer just reduced the multiplying cells.This was a world of the body opening up its game board for me to take out my pieces and dice and play. This was a force I’ve been drilling for, the slight drip of a gusher. And I lay upon its steady pulse and my chest lifts up and I breath deep. I want to go to the beach and take in the day. I want to do something nice for a friend.

Cancer has a way of making you go up to the blackboard of your life and just erase all the things that used to bother you about life or hard feelings you had toward the way people treated with you. But to be honest,  there are things you can;t erase, and most of those hurts amount to issues involved with money. It’s usually just more than money, the money is connected to a betrayal or the calculating misdeeds of dysfunctional people who just simple bounce away. My only solution is to write over it. You either force the confrontation, talk to yourself in imaginary situations in which you imagine arguing with the person, or take the energy and put it toward the pull of the summer breeze on your first day out of school.

I still have some rough days ahead, but that first breat of health is powering me, and it’s broiling, knotting, and rising and cresating a building force in me that it only going to get me stronger. I have that first day of summer inside me and there’s no turning away from that dawn.

Big C, my arms have been down, but my arms are rising and I’m drawing back my fist, Yeah, you heard me. You make a make something out of it? Come one, I’m Fred Reiss I was shaped by the best of my parents in Freehold, New Jersey. Bring it, you soulless piece of shit, come on, do something, like drop to you sloppy knees and beg because it ain’t going to help you.

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