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Lying in bed and short-sheeting the Big C’s threats on sleepless nights

January 27, 2012

Where are we the safest? When the assault begins, where can we take shelter. Where do we go to build up our layers of resolve? It’s like trying to find the point in the map where the friendship with yourself begins? What feeds you? When these longitudinal and latitudinal issues  form a crosshair on the exact spot of your core, then you can assume the position and draw all your strength to take on the enemy.

I was lying in my bed. I was thirteen. We were living in Freehold, New Jersey. And it was Winter. The blankets were pressing heavily on me, weighing me down with their comfort. I could hear Mom and Dad downstairs in the kitchen. Muffled voices. The sizzling of eggs being cooked. My two sisters in their room. My brother in his. I looked outside the window. A small bank of snow had gotten in between the storm window and the inside window. I was warm. I could see the the snow coming down, illuminated by the streetlights along Stonehurst Boulevard in front of our home. None of that world was going to get to me. There is the soft crunch of snow under car tires as they drive down the road.

It’s three in the morning. It’s Winter. There is no snow. I am living in California. Laurie is asleep in bed. Our dog, Seven, is lying between us. I come back from dumping my urine bags. There are twinges of pain where the catheters enter my flesh. It’s like having a toothache in the middle of my back. I reach down and grab the tubes, almost curtseying with them so I don’t sit down on them, which would tighten them against my back and possibly pull one loose. I sit down, slowly turn on my hips to sleep on my left side and pull the covers over me.

But when I softly slip under the covers, I’m back in my Freehold room, closing my eyes, and drifting towards its protection against the storm. I am safe here, very safe.

The storm of the Big C swirling cold is shutout and I’m protected by the home within me.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 27, 2012 5:13 pm

    Safety and peace to you today.

  2. Linda Walton permalink
    January 31, 2012 5:36 am

    Hello to you Fred….I think you are a wonderful writer and look forward to
    reading your experiences each day.
    What you are enduring is terrifying and I imagine very humbling.
    My wish for you is that the time from now until then goes by quickly and you
    will be out and about as before. I am looking forward to seeing you walk through
    the door, after a round of golf, to cheer me up and tell me a story.
    Best thoughts going out to you each day.
    Lindo

    • January 31, 2012 4:54 pm

      Thanks last couple days have been weary, It was like sitting through Tinker, Sailor, Spy 25/7 I’ll get a second wind somewhere Thanks, Fred

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