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Chemosabi Stress leads to a drawn bow of lightning love fired at the Big C’s and spattering its dark core

January 23, 2012

The chair awaits every day, but it’s a launching pad. Still knowing it’s there does cause stress

Stress is a slow moving machine. It’s like the turntable you threw away a long time ago, but still have in your possession. I wake up every two hours in the evening from its long-playing record that is slow-down so it loses the pitch of the original song of my life. It’s always playing because there’s a battle raging within me against the Big C,; after all it takes energy to ignore people you don;t like when you’re healthy, right. So there has to be some energy siphoned from your existence. But I don’t see it that way. I go with the stress and see it as a filtering process. It awakens me to the nectar within me.

I lay there in bed. I don’t give into it. I smile and my smile stretches the was the string is drawn back on a longbow, and the strength of that string is the way I was raised by my mother and father. They put a strength within me and shaped me. And then my smile broadens and tightens as I think of the first joys of making it to California and surfing and stepping on the stage and doing stand-up and making my own wine and hanging at the beach and the waves and how all of that along with comedy and doing radio and falling in love and broadening out with strong friendships that have risen from within my life to enliven and embolden me against this nothingness that is even too dumb to conspire against me because it only knows what it wants, but cancer’s weakness is that it has no one to defend it.

My smile broadens at four in the morning as I lay in bed. I’m drawing and tightening the bow, looking into that swirling darkness of cancer. That inanimate thing that has a motion within it. But I’m aiming deep into the center of where it tries to spiral out and spread into me. I’m smiling and aiming, calm. And I drift back into the sleeplessness that stress is trying to wear me down, and I won’t submit. I dive into it with my drawn bow and smile with happy tears and I feel like I’m not drowning but swimming underwater and breathing and looking at all the different wreckages and collisions and disappointments in my life and going down deep and scavenging the best parts of the dreams and hopes that came up short or lost along the way, and I leave the wreckage of any bitterness or disappointment behind. Granted some were self-inflicted, but those things are peeling off me, and with it the stress melt away. I’m getting stronger, the bow is tightening more. I rise thinking of what else I will write and what waves I will ride and know that when I walk again I will be on the surface but beneath me I will be minesweeping the bad away and netting the best of me for a future of another Fredness.

You can’t let the process take away the me and you.

I rise with the strength of a building rock song and the drums are banging and the rhythm is strong and I dance to its beat and let that tight smile of my drawn bow go and fire all of me and watch the light splash and sizzle in whirlpool of the Big C. It shivers, splits, cracks with more fissures and crumbles into its useless and its spinelessness gets swallowed up in its own backwash and my light rises up like a bubble within it. And I’m flying away with a new dance step..

I’m scouring through my life and picking up and rescuing all the good parts.

Draw on the bow of your life, don’t forget the best weapon you have.

Ready, aim, fire!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. January 24, 2012 8:03 am

    How I remember waking in the middle of the night thinking about that silent cancer in my body and the chemo pumping into it to push it away. I remember laying there for what seemed like hours. I dreamt allot. Allot of questions were answered in my dreams….somebody told me “trish one day you’ll thank your cancer” I thought no way in hell will I…but cancer teaches us allot.
    I am pulling for you Fred.

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