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What if Tiger Woods and President Obama Played Golf agains Rush Limbaugh and Speaker of the House John Boehner?

November 10, 2011

Why Conservatives love golf more than America

What would happen if Tiger Woods and President Obama played a golf against Rush Limbaugh and Speaker of The House John Boehner.

Rush Limbaugh and Speaker of The House John Boehner defiantly stood on the first tee of a private country club for their golf match against President Obama, who came over to them without his mystery-guest partner.

“Welcome to our club, Mr. President,” barked Rush, shunning Obama’s extended hand. “When we play, I hope you fail.”

“It’s a beautiful day for golf, I wonder what 99.9 percent of the other people are doing today?” Boehner reflectively commented, then he became misty eyed. “How do you like our club? It’s my American Dream.” He wiped his eyes and regained his composures. “Our membership is the top one-tenth of one-percent of Americans with the highest annual income in this great nation. We almost had to close it down until your administration saved our club and provided our members with green fees, which is why they’ve allowed you to play here on us. And we created more jobs by hiring more caddies.” He paused. “By the way, every hole here plays to the right.”

“Who is your mystery-guest partner?” snorted Rush, “You didn’t reveal your decision which was made like all your others: behind closed doors in a corrupt administration that is bent on destroy our country.”

“Dittos, Rush,” chimed in Rush’s caddy, Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee, who received a pat on his forehead and snack-treat from Limbaugh.

“Please don’t pick on our President,” said Senator Harry Reid, Obama’s caddy. “You’ve lost the ability to compromise. But if you’d like, as a compromise, we will concede the match and I will carry your clubs but in no way does that mean I endorse your policies or Sherson Lehman.” He paused. “And, I’m sorry.”

“Thanks for nothing, Harry,” said Obama, smiling, then nodding. “Why, here comes my partner now.”

The approaching golfer wore a red shirt and a Nike swoosh golf cap.

“Before we begin, I just want to apologize to my fans who I have let down, but most of all to my family,” said Woods, shaking hands with his opponents. He scanned the course. “Do you guys have a cart girl?”

“Tiger Woods is your partner!” Rush gruffly growled. “Then you’re giving us strokes.”

“Give strokes?” asked President Obama. “Isn’t that an entitlement program of welfare?”

“A typical big-government tax-and-spend comment,” said Boehner, aggressively leaning into the President. “Tiger is the top of one-tenth of one percent of all golfers and shoots in the 60s. Rush and I have a mid-80s-to-low-90s median-stroke income. Our handicaps create a level playing field for fair competition.”

“So, you’re socialists,” President Obama clipped.

“Save it for the New-York-Times editorial page,” snorted Limbaugh. “We get two strokes a hole and you get nothing.”

“Explain to me how your handicap system works,” said President Obama.

Boehner said, “Let’s say, Tiger gets a 4 on this hole and Rush and I get a 5.”

“We the lower score we win the hole,” said Obama.

“No, you lose,” said Rush. “Under golf’s honored handicap system, we deduct two strokes from our team’s score of 5 and we win the hole with a 3.”

“Sounds fair to me,” said Reid. “I concede. You will, we lose, sounds like a fair compromise.”

“I can always count on your lack of charisma to watch my back,” muttered Obama to Reid. The President said to Boehner, “So you’re requiring us to play in accordance with a governing agency’s regulations. I thought conservatives believed in deregulation?”

“If you don’t give us strokes we don’t have an chance to win,” said Rush putting a cigar to his mouth. Steele lit it for him.

“Rush, why should the best be penalized for success in our society?” Tiger grumbled, bouncing a ball off his wedge.

“Stop playing the victim,” said Rush, puffing away. “This is why we must privatize social security and abolish health care.”

A man on the pro-shop PA announced, “Limbaugh-Boehner twosome with illegitimate President Hussein Obama to the tee.”

“That Glenn Beck,” said Boehner, chuckling. “He loves clowning around on the club’s microphone. He’s such a hoot. Killed at the last Tea Party rally.”

“Yeah, he’s hilarious,” said President Obama, rolling his eyes.

The foursome walked toward the tee box. The President was surprised to find three differently colored tee markers. The tees were spaced at different distances from the hole. The markers were painted red, white or blue.

“Why does your club have three different tee markers of red, white, and blue?” asked President Obama.

“The red, white, and blue markers provide players of all levels with an equal opportunity to reach the green on this Par-4 hole in regulation: two shots,” Rush explained. “The blues are the farthest back. They’re for players with low handicaps. That’s where Tiger hits from. John and I are playing from the whites-only tees—I mean, the white tees. ”

“We’re not playing against each other by hitting off the same tees?”

Boehner curtly replied. “Hell no! Rush and I have higher handicaps and we tee off closer to the hole.”

“So to play against Tiger and myself, you are demanding not only welfare, but on top of that you also benefit from a quota system,” said President Obama.

“Wait, who are the Red Tees for?” asked Tiger.

“The red tees are the shortest distance from the hole. They’re for women,” replied Rush, who chortled as he added, “If we ever allow them to play here.”

“So let me get this straight,” said President Obama. “You guys represent a Republican right-wing-conservative base that rail against any form of government programs that interfere with the free market and the private sector? But, when it comes to golf, conservatives warmly embrace welfare, entitlement programs, and a quota systems.”

“Sounds fair to me,” said Reid, who was carrying Steele in his arms and the Republicans’ clubs. “If you want us to leave, it’s okay. We don’t want to tell you how to run a private business on your property.”

“That’s why golf is the American game that embodies the Constitution spirit that founded our great country,” said Boehner, tears streaking down his face.

“Golf is from Scotland,” corrected Tiger.

“That’s ‘old-Europe’ thinking,” said Rush. “Everything changed after 9/11.”

Obama pursued his original point, “So why do you oppose all those same government programs that provide a level playing field for the average American to compete against the top one-tenth-of-one-percent income bracket in the private sector?”

“It’s a win-win for us,” simultaneously replied Boehner and Rush, placing their hands over their hearts and patriotically gazing to American flag waving atop the pin of the first green. “That’s how we can afford to play here. Because, unlike you, we’re Americans and we love our country—club!”

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